It can ruin your life only if it ruins your character.
– Marcus Aurelius
There’s a certain heaviness that comes from trying to live up to other people’s expectations. A weight that, if carried, can leave you questioning your worth, your choices, and your identity. I felt that heaviness for years. I tried to mold myself to fit the spaces others created for me. I hoped that if I could meet the standards of those I held dear, it would finally be enough. It should come as no surprise that it never was. And worse, not once did I stop to take an honest look at those people. I never questioned if they were even worthy of my esteem. It was a severe lack of relational clarity.
It’s taken me a long time to understand why I kept searching for validation in the wrong places. I was seeking approval from people who were never capable of seeing or accepting people for who they are. It was, of course, never about me. External judgment is more about someone’s beliefs, their fears, their insecurities, and often their narrow definitions of right and wrong. Definitions that are entirely subjective, if I might add. Not that someone narrow-minded would ever understand that.
Knowledge Doesn’t Always Mean Action
Even when I knew all of that, probably without being aware, I thought I still needed to prove myself to certain people. I needed them to understand. So I kept on trying to explain. My rational brain couldn’t see how people who presented themselves as all-knowing could be such hypocrites. You see, in my circle, people didn’t always walk the talk. It wasn’t okay to question any of that, though. You had to stay in line, and they did not. That was the unspoken agreement.
And they got away with it for a very long time.
It felt like an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes people were nice, funny, and honest about certain things. The next day they could be lying to your face, without a care in the world. They felt entitled to the deception. If confronted, they would deny it. In parallel, they would spend time lying to others I also sought acceptance from. This way, not only did they judge and criticize, it was an invitation for others to do so as well. It was a carefully constructed facade. People as imperfect as the rest of us, with perceived power built on lies. It was a vicious circle.
Freedom in Relational Clarity
There are moments in life that I consider before and after. Important conversations and experiences that led me to finally see things as they were, not as I was told they were. It was certainly painful to realize that I had spent so much time and effort chasing acceptance and truth where it would never be found. It was also liberating. I was finally getting somewhere. Relational clarity went from being nonexistent to making an appearance. Better than never I guess.
I wouldn’t get my time back, but I knew that even with prior conditioning, they wouldn’t be able to fool me again. Not if I refused to go back. The weight was gone. And instead of beating myself up, I found a way to be kind to myself. I realized that all I wanted throughout those years was to participate in honest and healthy relationships.
The truth is, they never needed to see me. They never needed to understand. I needed to see myself. I needed to stop looking for validation in their eyes and start finding it within.
This poem speaks to that.
It Was Never About Them
It was never about them
Their beliefs, their desires
Their judgment always belonged to them
It was all right there
They couldn’t see what, or why
Not even for themselves
They couldn’t see me
But they never needed to
I saw myself in others
I tried and I failed
I couldn’t see either
I couldn’t see myself
I see them clearly now
It’s all right
It was never about them
I see myself now
Reclaiming Our Stories
I spent too long letting others define who I should be. I allowed them to shape my decisions, and their expectations to limit my potential. But their narratives were never mine to carry. Their shame, their fears, their limitations—they don’t belong to me.
Writing has helped me see that. It’s given me the space to explore my identity without the noise of judgment. It’s allowed me to slowly find my voice, and to finally see myself clearly.
If you’ve ever felt unseen, misunderstood, or judged, I hope you know it can get better. Your identity is yours to define. Your life, yours to live. We can reclaim our stories, even if we’re late to the game.
– Maria